I Want Children, But..... by Kevin 6X

[Kevin H. Muhammad aka: Kevin 6X]

Erika at 16.5 weeks pregnant, posing with Jacobi, Kaiden, and Kevin 6X, April 18, 2010

I don't want the responsibilities of being a father! I am speaking for myself, but if other men relate to this, I won't be surprised, and I look forward to hearing from you on this
issue. I love my daughter, Kaiden; I'm looking forward to the 2 children
I have on the way, and I enjoy being a father-figure for young Jacobi.
But I have my moments throughout each day, when I don't want to be a
father!

My daughter was over to visit this weekend, and combined with Jacobi, I didn't have much time to focus on my passion in life, which is writing. I intentionally stayed off my laptop
for the most part, in order to really spend time with the children this
weekend. But even within spending time with them, they were not content
with one particular thing (like a PS2 game, or Jacobi's new magnetic
board with alphabets), long enough for me to get a nap in! It was great
to see Jacobi and Kaiden together though; they are really a pair, they
entertain each other! The 3-year age difference doesn't seem to be an
issue. Good, good, good!

I have my moments, flashing back to the days when I was BootyMan of Devious Riders; I didn't have much responsibility. Yolanda and I had child care for Kaiden, and I acted
like it was no concern of mine. I mean, I watched Kaiden during the day,
when I was home from work; but as soon as Yolanda would come home, or I
had a babysitter, I was out the door, on my motorcycle.

Yolanda and Kaiden, in 2009.

Now fast-forward to 2010, I have been going through some chaotic ideas these past few months; with a child on the way from Eva

due July 9th (she's having a girl, Jasmin), and a child on the way with Erika (in the picture up top with the children and I), I contemplated a polygamous marriage, starring none other than myself,
Brother Kevin 6X, as the wealthy head of household, with a harem of
women. I wrote a blog about the idea, called "Polygamy In The USA... Is
It Coming To That?" The idea didn't go so well with Erika, and lead to a
temporary breakup between us!

In the short amount of time that I was "single & homeless", I got a message from an ex-girlfriend named Sabrina. As I related my situation to her, that my relationship ended, I
had no where to go, and I was currently sitting in a coffee shop using
their WiFi signal, Sabrina offered me a place to stay, with her, in
Colorado. I was all for it; all I needed was the gas money to get there.
Sabrina said she could send the money to me within a week.

Erika and I made up shortly after I agreed to take Sabrina's offer. The thought of leaving California sounded very sweet, but the 3 children I have here, was lingering in the balance of
decision! Ultimately, I wasn't going to completely abandon them by
leaving the state. I call myself striving to improve my relationship
with my daughter, who I don't see that much since her mother divorced me
in 2006. Eva, my ex-fiancee' isn't speaking to me, and recently told me
that she doesn't want me in Jasmin's life; she's not even allowing me
to come to the hospital when she goes into labor (but I'm working on
changing that attitude). And of course I want to be here for Erika and
our child that she is carrying. I just have to kill this BootyMan
character I still have lingering inside of me, then my Psychological War
will pretty much be over! Thus I am now writing the book, "Death Of
BootyMan", as I have found that writing
about my demons has been effective in casting them out!

So, I wrestled with the decision: to run away from California, giving up my parental honors and privileges, to be with Sabrina (and I gave some details about our relationship, in Psychological War: The Battles of a Young
BlackMan, which is available at www.kevin6x.com).
Sabrina and I were a very good couple; our relationship ended mainly
because we were from separate states, and when I lost my job with CR
England Trucking, I couldn't afford to keep Sabrina in California; she
had to go home to Colorado. Sabrina has been doing pretty good for
herself; she found a job she's really excited about, paying her own rent
in her apartment. But did I really want to completely step out of my
children's lives?

With Eva's pregnancy and the way she has shut me out of her life, I could drive away and not feel remorse for that one... MAYBE! But with Erika, who has been the most understanding
woman I have ever loved, who has volunteered to give me a 3rd child,
even after reading my autobiography TWICE, she still accepted me and
loved me as a man with many obstacles in my path, some of which I have
already overcome; but still, the knowledge of what I had gone through in
my 20's is a tremendous burden for a woman to accept from a man. I want
to be here for my children; I love the women who have sacrificed their
lives and bodies to conceive my children. However, I have run away from
my responsibilities as a parent; I am not ready to grow up and be a
father!

When I picked Kaiden up yesterday morning, Yolanda asked me if I could take Kaiden to my mother's house, so she could get her hair done. I really didn't want to take her to my parents'
house, but I agreed to do it. Once I got Kaiden to my place, Jacobi and
Kaiden went to play in a sandbox, and Jacobi threw sand in Kaiden's
hair. I called my mom to tell her, and to ask if I should wash Kaiden's
hair before driving her to my mom; or just take her with the sand in and
let them deal with it. With my mom telling me all the obstacles as to
why she couldn't wash Kaiden's hair, Erika offered to do Kaiden's hair
for me! What a relief! We went out and bought the items she needed to
braid Kaiden's hair.

Now, Kaiden is a very tender-headed child, and has some trauma associated with getting her hair done. She cried most of the night while Erika combed, parted, and braided.

I listened to Kaiden scream like a baby, off and on for about an hour, before I headed downstairs to lend my moral support. It's so hard for me to hear or watch my child cry; I even dropped a tear! She
looks so much like me, I have to feel her pain, you know? Her mom
called, asked to speak to Kaiden; Kaiden told her mom that she wanted to
come home, she changed her mind about spending the night here with my
family. I stepped outside to argue with Yolanda on the phone; I even
became verbally abusive, when Yolanda asked me to drop Kaiden off at my
parents' house (you'd have to read my blog, "She Is Poisoning My Child:
The Battle Between Son & Mother" to understand why). After the
abusive conversation, Yolanda agreed to let Kaiden stay with me. (By the
way, I called Yolanda back and apologized for my verbal abuse).

I ended up holding Kaiden, comforting her, for the remainder of the process. She had so many dramatic outbursts, and I remained patient and let her vent; she said things like, "It hurts
soo bad, I can't stand it anymore; my mind is on fire! Please I want to
be free in my bed! I want to go home now. I want my mommy! I'm so
tired, can I please go to bed now?" I massaged her temples, rubbed her
back; kissed her forehead; told her I love her and I wish I could see
her everyday! She even fell asleep while Erika was braiding her hair.
Once Erika completed the job, I carried Kaiden to bed; she was so happy
it was finally over.

The next morning, Kaiden woke up just as happy as can be! The first thing she said to me was, "Thank you, I really like my hair!" I asked her to come to my bedroom, and repeat what
she said to Erika.

I made pancakes for Kaiden and Jacobi; we watched a webcast of Minister Ava Muhammad, on www.noi.org, and then we all headed out to see Alice In Wonderland, at the AMC 30 Ontario Mills Mall. Being that
it was Sunday night, and Kaiden doesn't live with me, I had to drive her
home (about 50 miles); her mom asked me if I can come back Monday to
watch Kaiden after she gets out of school and Kindercare. I'm going to
do it, but I don't want to. Basically what I am saying in this blog, is I
am learning to honor and appreciate Mothers! Mothers who do all they
have to do for their children, may Allah reward you in this life and in
the hereafter, for all of your hard work and sacrifices! Ain't no way in
the universe I would want to be one of you, not even for 5 minutes!

I am one of the guys who loves to conceive children when I love a woman, but I do not want to parent my children. Perhaps many women feel this way too, but they do not often have the
option that men have; men can easily dodge their children, leaving the
mother responsible for doing everything for the child, 24 hours a day,
while we run around acting like we're 16 years old with no obligations! I
want to see little people who look just like me, so I know that when I
die, I will live again; but I am struggling with the aspect of my
personal time. I am selfish with it. However, days like today really
inspire me to want to be present in my children's lives.

We had a great time at the movies! Yolanda and Kaiden are extremely impressed with the job Erika did on Kaiden's head, and Jacobi loves having another child in the house to play with,
'cause most of the time, Erika and I are writing and Jacobi is on his
own with his PS2 and movies! So, I say all this to say, that although I
am childish in the sense that I don't want grown-up responsibilities, I
am man enough to accept them, finally; that doesn't mean that I have
become a completely matured man, (I said man enough); I still have some
growing to do. But I am willing to put both feet in, and be a father for
my children (hoping Erika is having a boy, so we can name him Khalil
Ibrahim Muhammad). I want at least one male-child before I retire from
planting my seeds in fertile soil, LOL!

Written by Kevin 6X, author of Psychological War: The Battles of a Young BlackMan, available at www.kevin6x.com, www.bn.com, www.amazon.com. For excerpts, join www.psychologicalwar.ning.com.